His Needs, Her Needs

A Summary of the book by Willard F. Harley Jr.

Priority 1: AFFECTION (The Cement of our Relationship, the environment of the marriage) attentiveness, warmth, kindness, tender sensitivity

GOAL: from “habits” to “Spontaneous”

Hugs and kisses ( in front or online)

Read her fairy tales

play two player games

Greeting cards or little notes expressing love or care (in front or online)

Bouquet of flowers (in front or online)

Invitation to go outside dinner or cooking dinner (in front or online)

Holding hands and sitting close (in front or online)

Walks after dinner

Back rubs

Phone calls to see what she is okay and to see how she’s doing.

conversations (getting to know more about her) with thoughtful and loving expressions.

Cards on Birthday (17 December), Relationship (18th June), Anniversary (21 December), Valentine’s day (14th February)

Priority 2: INTIMATE CONVERSATION (enjoys talking, its not what they talk about is important, it’s that they talk, the more intimate the better)

There’s always something to know about her that you don’t know. Focus on what the other is feeling, thinking and doing. Should be personal.

Find time to be together everyday at least 2 hours.

Share a recreational activity -> be together -> engage in intimate conversation

Past experiences

Present activities and crafts. LEARN.

Plans for the future

SUPPORT on Opportunity to express concerns and consider options

How are you feeling? (Emotion & overall mood) What problems are you facing? How can I help you solve those problems?

What did I do today to make you feel good? What did I do today to make you feel bad?

Romantic movies, cultural events, going out for lunch and dinner, dancing, shopping, sightseeing, exercising, enjoying nature.

ENEMIES of Intimate conversation: 1. Making demands, 2. Being disrespectful, 3. Expressing anger, 4. Dwelling on mistakes, past or present.

FRIENDS of Intimate Conversation: 1. Conversing to inform ( personal feelings, interests and activities: supportive not critical), investigate (same), and understand (same) in positive and encouraging ways. 2. Developing interest in each other’s favorite topics of conversation. 3. Balancing the conversation (good listener and good talker, say when someone interrupts the other) 4. Giving each other undivided attention (look in the eyes)

PRIORITY 3: HONESTY and OPENNESS

What am I doing? What am I thinking or doing right now? What plans do I have? Sharing everything.

Reveal to your spouse as much information about yourself as you know — your thoughts, feelings, habits, likes, dislikes, past history, daily activities, and future plans.

1.Emotional honesty: Reveal your thoughts, feelings, likes and dislikes. In other words, reveal your emotional reaction — both positive and negative — to the events of your life, particularly to your spouse’s behavior.

2. Historical honesty: Reveal information about your personal history, particularly events that demonstrate personal weakness or failure.

3. Current honesty: Reveal information about the events of your day. Provide your spouse with a calendar of your activities, with special emphasis on those that may affect him or her.

4. Future honesty: Reveal your thoughts and plans regarding future activities and objectives.

BONUS: HYGIENE (looking good, smelling good)

PRIORITY 4: FINANCIAL SUPPORT

Women wants men to earn at least enough to support the family.

Women usually want a choice between following a career and being a homemaker — possibly they want a combination of the two.

Families need to learn how to live on what a husband can earn in a normal workweek.

Rarely does a husband feel good when his wife supports him financially.

Only the husbands income should be used in the needs budget. The wants budget can be met with the wife’s income.

When it comes to money and marriage, less may be more.

PRIORITY 5: FAMILY COMMITMENT

Becoming a good family man is extremely important.

The father has a profound influence on the educational and moral development of the children.

A wife must have a man contributing to the well-being of her children, whether it’s the husband or someone else.

Quality family time means increasing the quality of family time (not to be confused with feeding, clothing, watching over children, it when the family is together for the moral and educational development of the children).

What is a quality family time? Meals together as a family, going out for walks and bike rides, attending church services, family meetings, playing board games together, reading to the children before bedtime, helping the children with financial planning, family projects and household task-such as preparing and having meals together.

Other than 15 hours for undivided attention to the wife, you have to budget additional 15 hours per week to a quality family time.*(Consider your total time each week. You have 168 hours (24 hours a day, 7 days a week). For 8 hours of sleep each night (don’t risk your health), take 56 hours away, leaving 112 hours. If you estimate the time it takes to get ready for work in the morning and ready for bed at night to take another 12 hours, that leaves 100 hours. Your job, including getting there and returning home again, should not take more than 50 hours a week (if you work more than that, you cannot achieve your most important objectives in life).

After carving away time for all of these things, there are still 50 hours left for you to schedule. You have 15 hours for undivided attention and another 15 hours for quality family time, leaving you 20 hours for everything else you want to accomplish: household tasks, hobbies, church activities, more time at work, or just sitting at home relaxing.)

Develop well-planned events aimed at teens; otherwise it will be unsuccessful in cases.

You have to start family time from the start, not in the teen years; otherwise they may not agree at all to such an arrangement.

Learn how to reach agreement with your wife regarding the rules expected to follow and how to discipline. Otherwise the children learn to divide and makes a deal with one parent. Both mom and dad should consult in private and give an agreed-on answer.

Learn how to explain the rules.

Learn how to be consistent.

Learn how to punish properly, teach by example and values. (no grounding or depriving of basic rights)

Learn how to handle anger.

Don’t let parenting compete with romance between husband and wife, the basics still stand.

Who is The Irresistible Man?

A husband can make himself irresistible to his wife by learning to meet her five most important emotional needs.

1. Affection. Her husband tells her that he cares for her with words, cards, flowers, gifts, and common courtesies. He hugs and kisses her many times each day, creating an environment of affection that clearly and repeatedly expresses his care for her.
2. Conversation. He sets aside time every day to talk to her. They may talk about events in their lives, their children, their feelings, or their plans. But whatever the topic, she enjoys the conversation because it is never demanding, judgmental, or angry but always informative and constructive. She talks to him as much as she would like, and he responds with interest. He is never too busy “to just talk.”
3. Honesty and openness. He tells her everything about himself, leaving nothing out that might later surprise her. He describes his positive and negative feelings, events of his past, his daily schedule, and his plans for the future. He never leaves her with a false impression and is truthful about his thoughts, feelings, intentions, and behavior.
4. Financial support. He assumes the responsibility to house, feed, and clothe the family. If his income is insufficient to provide essential support, he resolves the problem by upgrading his skills to increase his salary. He does not work long hours, keeping himself from his wife and family, but is able to provide necessary support by working a forty- to fifty-hour week. While he encourages his wife to pursue a career if it is her desire, he does not depend on her salary for family living expenses.
5. Family commitment. He commits sufficient time and energy to the moral and educational development of the children. He reads to them, engages in sports with them, and takes them on frequent outings. He reads books and attends lectures with his wife on the subject of child development so they will do a good job training the children. They discuss training methods and objectives until they agree. He does not proceed with any plan of training discipline without her approval and recognizes that his care of the children is critically important to her.

When a woman finds a man who exhibits all five qualities, she will find him irresistible.

Who is The Irresistible Woman?

A wife makes herself irresistible to her husband by learning to meet his five most important emotional needs.

1. Sexual fulfillment. His wife meets this need by becoming a terrific sexual partner. She studies her own sexual response to recognize and understand what brings out the best in her; then she shares this information with him, and together they learn to have a sexual relationship that both find repeatedly satisfying and enjoyable.

2. Recreational companionship. She develops an interest in the recreational activities he likes most and tries to become proficient at them. If she finds she cannot enjoy them, she encourages him to consider other activities that they can do together. She becomes his favorite recreational companion, and he associates her with his most enjoyable moments of relaxation.

3. Physical attractiveness. She keeps herself physically fit with diet and exercise and she wears her hair, makeup, and clothes in a way that he finds attractive and tasteful. He is attracted to her in private and proud of her in public.

4. Domestic support. She creates a home that offers him a refuge from the stresses of life. She manages the household responsibilities in a way that encourages him to spend time at home enjoying his family.

5. Admiration. She understands and appreciates him more than anyone else. She reminds him of his value and achievements and helps him maintain self-confidence. She avoids criticizing him. She is proud of him, not out of duty, but from a profound respect for the man she has come to know better than anyone else.

When a man finds a woman who exhibits all five qualities, he will find her irresistible.